Yes, I know I am a day early but I'm going to be WAY busy in the morning and this was weighing heavy on my heart. It never hurts to be early, does it?
Sometimes in my blogworld there is sap and sometimes there are funnies. This one happens to be PURE sap, so if you care read on. (MASCARA ALERT IF YOU ARE RELATED)
Thanksgiving has long been one of my favorite holidays. No, really. Some people say this about EVERY holiday but for me it rings true. Fall is my favorite season and Thanksgiving flows into Christmas smoothly for me, reminding me of the true reasons to forgo some of the hub-bub and sit back and take inventory of life.
If you were to look at videos of my family holidays when I was young (who am I kidding -- it's since I have been grown too) I am ALWAYS at my Dad's elbow when he decides to carve the turkey. We have our holiday meals buffet style because there are so many people and an abundance of food. For this reason, my Dad carved it in the kitchen right before meal time making every turkey morsel as moist and fresh as it could be. In every picture, there I am in the steaming delicious smelling kitchen like a big-mouthed bird waiting for that FIRST turkey bite.
Sometimes I would pass out a bite or 2 to others but mainly I knew that there was nothing better in this world that those first few bites from a freshly carved turkey by Dad and having had my quota of the first bite or 2, I was content for the day.
I spent Thanksgiving morning last year with my Dad in the hospital trying to interest him in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade or anything to distract him from his questions of why I wouldn't take him home. Some moments he was not lucid and in his confusion he didn't understand his situation. These moments were EXTREMELY hard to deal with. You can't argue with someone like that or try to reason or explain to them. You make no sense if you do and they'll ask you again in a few minutes.
Thanksgiving also happened to fall on my parents anniversary so I tried to engage him in conversation about that. He wanted NOTHING to do with it. My Mom showed up later in the morning to relieve me since I spent the night. Dad kept calling me over to his side to ask me to take him home.
As painful as this is, I am sharing it. My Dad looked at me straight in the eyes and told me that if I wasn't going to take him home, then I might as well just leave. With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, I touched his cool arm hooked up to so many interventions. I leaned over medical contraptions and kissed him on the forehead. I combed his hair back and looked into his big blue eyes as I told him Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Anniversary and that I loved him. He looked away.
I cried most of the way home. I'm not sure that my Mom understood the verbal exchange that had taken place but called me later to say that as soon as I left, Dad was asking for me and wanted to know where I was.
I KNOW he didn't mean what he said but that doesn't make it hurt any less, or at least it doesn't for me. He probably didn't even remember saying it. He never wanted us to leave him and always wanted to know when we would be back. The situation as it was we NEVER left him without HIM saying that he loved us in that cotton-mouth oxygen masked (Scooby-doo sounding) "I ruv rue".
In my heart of hearts I know that I am much MORE thankful that my Dad is no longer in such pain. My Dad would NEVER talk to me that way in his right mind. So when I get angry about the fact that my Dad is not physically here, it helps to remember that I even had my Dad at all.
Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Cliche after cliche, right? However, life IS short and happens to be what you make of it. My Dad made what he could of life here and that's all you can do really. So, what I'm trying to say is that I am thankful for the time I had with my Dad and what a better time to proclaim this than Thanksgiving?
Am I glad my Dad isn't here? No. I will never be at his elbow waiting for that first piece of turkey after the carving. I choose not to say that I want my Dad here with us this Thanksgiving and all that it entails letting anger and resentment permeate so easily through my heart. Instead I focus on all the deliciously wonderful first bite turkey-eating holidays I had in the first place. It's all I have now and what I have to do. I am thankful for my Dad, period.
I am grateful and have a heavy heart at the same time that I was the one that spent the last morning with my Dad here on Earth with us. Maybe it was supposed to be that way. Goodbyes are never easy but peace comes slowly through time.
To my knowledge Dad didn't mistakingly utter anything like he said to me to my sisters. Strangely enough (or maybe not), Thanksgivings remind me of family and thoughts of my Dad are so prominent right now because of the timing. My last Thanksgiving was not a pleasant one but a necessary one that helps me now to let go.
As hard as it is to say, my Dad would not have wanted to endure anymore pain or say hurtful things.
I am thankful for my family and I am thankful that we can come together at this time and BE a true family to each other. I am thankful for the moments we share and the future we have together. These past 2 years have shown us that time is precious. Let's not waste it.
Thank you for being there for me. I love you, each and every one of you.
Dad,
Wow, it's Thanksgiving already I see
a year has gone by of
what's to be is to be.
I couldn't stop the world from going on
and have had a bit of trouble
with where I belong.
Time went on without you
not easily for me -- marching on
forcing me with this life that I had to do.
The eating of the official turkey is to be today
and for all my many blessings and
those thankful things I pray.
I miss you Dad, you know it's true
even without having understanding
I try hard not to be so blue.
I know you are in the most beautiful place
yet I still remember
and miss your smile here in this space.
With the first bite of turkey I eat
my thoughts will be of you
and your presence will make me feel complete.
Miss you, without a doubt, I always will
and on this Thanksgiving day I wish
your tender-hearted love will through my heart spill.
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