It was brought to my attention that my posts are 'short and sweet' these days. They do not contain the depth and feelings they used to. Have I become a shallow person? I'd like to think not. I am not just a pretty face with funny anecdotes, so why can't I write anymore?
I am trying to hang on. Hang onto what, I can't be certain. I used to love to come here and blog and use this almost as a therapeutic device and tell stories of my life: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the funny. I could make you laugh and make you cry. What changed?
This last year, as most know, has been horrific as far as changes in life go. Most were hard to process but the hardest of all was the death of Dad.
I notice now, especially now, that instead of living my life -- I am walking through and mirroring in my mind what I was doing each day a year ago. Step by step down the inevitable dead end road of Dad's cancer, I am walking.
I remember exactly a year ago, how I used to be able to look at him in the eye and know that we could beat any odds. The dang beast just kept rearing its ugly head, but MY Dad could do ANYTHING. And that he did.. he fought until the bitter end.
He even stayed for us and timed his death perfectly, if there is even such a thing. He didn't let go until each and every one of us told him it was okay. WE were the selfish ones, we weren't ready to say good-bye or let him go, so he held on. I am so so sorry for that.
You see, my parent's anniversary fell the day after Thanksgiving last year. He persevered through Thanksgiving, the anniversary, and even my sister's birthday which fell the Sunday after. As much pain as he was in, he SANG happy birthday to my sister and if you know my Dad you know he was not much of a singer but he would gladly do it all over again for her.
My Mom, who had been staying at the hospital all day everyday, got to rest at night while we all took turns spending the night with Dad. The Sunday of my sister's birthday my Mom spent the night with Dad all by herself, which she had not done before.
I relieved Mom that morning while she went home to shower and rest to come back in time for me to pick up the boys from school.
My Dad waited until my Mom got there to take his last breath. He died that Monday. My parents got their last anniversary, my sister got her last birthday with Dad, and my parents spent their last night alone together. Dad died alone with my Mom, the one and only love of his life, just like he wanted too.
Without trying to be morbid, I keep playing back that day over and over. One thing that comes to mind at the moment is when my oldest sister, Tricia (the saint and mother-hen of us all), came in to see Dad for the last time. She first of all apologized to Mom, in true Tricia-like character, for crying because she was trying to be strong. Then she went to Dad and touched his hair and told him that she was so glad he wasn't in any pain anymore. That's when I realized that he was finally at peace.
We didn't have to go through the holidays nursing Dad and watching him in pain. Instead, we came together as a family, and reflected on what a great man he was. We all went into the new year with a new attitude about life, thankful for the husband, father, grandfather that we were all so very privileged to have had.
Yes, I know there are many stages of grief, yadda, yadda. I am cyclical and cannot seem to stay in any one category, and I know that this too is supposedly 'normal' -- so why have I gotten worse instead of better in some respects? Was I just so numb in the beginning that I wasn't processing it? Did it just occur to me that he is gone forever? I don't think so, but WHY can't I deal with this in a healthier way? I used to be such a strong person. Where did that person go? Will she ever come back?
People are saying, "You haven't let go.." What is there to let go of? I don't understand... I want to be me again. This is not a story of someone who has regrets or didn't get to say what they wanted to. I don't need to go back and change or redo anything, so WHY is this so hard for me? I had a wonderful life with my Dad and I want to be able to live my life, not be a ghost of a shell who is obssessed with my Dad's death.
What I do know is that I have done some horrible unspeakable things in the name of grief. I have acted in ways that I am not proud of to people that I love. I am not being true to my own character.
At this point, I would like to apologize to those I have hurt or spoken to in anger or been impatient with. You know who are you. Know that I love you and I am not myself as of late and am trying so hard to do the right thing. I am taking a step back and looking to live my life now in a way that would make my Dad proud. That is all that I can do.
So, if you come here and you see a bunch of grief-ridden sap just know it's doing me good. Read it or not, but just nod to yourself and know that I am doing the best I can.
God put a special man in my life to teach me, love me, protect and guide me. I call this man Dad. Now that he is gone, I am still learning important lessons in life from his presence that still lingers.
P.S. Thanks to my online friend who, without even knowing it, encouraged me to do the right thing.
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