These things I cannot do...

i sit at my desk to type this post and look over to my note pad that has the hospital room phone number on it.  I cannot move it.

I go into my bedroom and see a small green polka-dotted bag that holds toothbrush, toothpaste, chapstick, sweatshirt, ponytail holder and a book which I cannot complete that I took back and forth to the hospital to stay overnight.  I cannot unpack it.

I look at my caller ID when I get home from being out and delete all those except for the hospital and the ID that has his and my Mom's name on it.  I cannot delete it. 

When my Mom calls me on my cell phone, it says I have an incoming call from "Dad".  I cannot change it. 

I drive down the highway and am drawn to the graveside -- sometimes making me late to where I am supposed to be going.  I cannot drive past without stopping.

Will it ever be okay to 'corrupt' these things and move them around or change them?  I know it has to be, but for now it is impossible. 

Maybe I just need more time...

:)

Comments

[Leslie]

My friend, it has been 2 years after my brothers passing and I still have his phone number on my cell phone and email messages that he sent me. You will move things when YOU are ready but remember that your dad wants you to be happy and not stop your life. Love, me

[Tricia]

Give me a call - I am having some of the same! Let's chat!

[Em]

Oh sweetie! It is SO hard, but you will do it when it is time. And only YOU will know when it is time. In the meantime, go easy on yourself.

[Phil]

Don't feel pressured to do it. You'll unpack & change things around, etc. if and when you're ready for it. With time, you'll "corrupt" some of these things. And there may be some you never touch. Either way, that's okay.

[ozone ferd]

They say "time heals all wounds", I'd like to think time scabs over the wounds and you have to resist picking at them but the wound will still be there. Hang in there. I just live down the street if you want to chat.

[Mama B]

Those are things I probably cannot do either if I were in your shoes. But I think in time it will get better. I don't know for sure because I have never gone through what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

[VirgoJen]

My mom passed away over four years ago and I still have her name on my buddy list. I just can't take it off.

[FTS]

It does take time. Just remember he lives on through you and the memories you have whenever you see a reminder of him.

[Barbara]

I don't know if any of these get easier. My grandpa still had my grandma and his name on his answering machine 5 years later. I still keep my phone list with my Nana's name at the top and she has been gone a year and a half.
Something you will be able to let go. Maybe one day you will finish the book but it will be bitter sweet. Whatever happens take your time.

[Grace]

I know. I know exactly what you're talking about...

[Uisce]

You just need time. Time doesn't heal anything, doesn't make anything go away. But time gives us distance and helps feel more of the good things and less of the bad.

[Sally]

There's no harm in continuing to leave them as is until you're ready.

Hugs!

[Anne Glamore]

I lost my mom quite unexpectedly on October 26. I've blogged about it quite a bit, so I have enjoyed seeing what you have to say-- we are definitely walking the same path.

Best to you...

[ken]

It takes time for the little memories to be reconciled in the mind. I have a lovely picture of my mom and dad that I turned into a PC wallpaper, thinking I would like to see them in a happy moment. However, it makes me so sad for my dad that I can't look at it anymore and don't have it up. In time we will be able to deal with it better, but don't rush things to move on. Let them go or stay for now, what ever feels right. Each person has to absorb the loss of a loved one on their own terms and time schedule. Don't feel bad about wanting to cling to things, for it hasn't been that long. You'll resolve it at some point.

[sage]

Take your time. Writing about it shows a touching side of you. Don't give it up.

[cher]

Chana,
Take all the time you need to greive.

[ingrid]

I'm so sorry. How hard. Thinking of you.