Walking hand in hand with my Dad

As far back as I can remember, my Dad's strong arms carried me as a child.  When I got 'too big' to be carried we held hands -- only his hands were so large compared to mine that I just grasped one of his fingers as we walked.  I was such a big girl!

I am 3 1/2.  My family is camping and it is so early that it is still dark outside.  Dad takes me fishing and on the way back to camp we stop at a diner for breakfast.  He gets coffee and I get to put a teaspoon of his coffee with my milk.  We walk along the dam where people are fishing and he holds my hand to make sure I don't fall.  The smell of coffee and the early morning sun is intoxicating.  I look up at him and his silhouette in the sunrise is dazzling. He squeezes my hand.  I am the luckiest girl alive.

I am in high school and being honored and escorted with my father.  Years later I look back at the video and he is beaming so big looking at me that he doesn't even know which way to walk.  He thinks he is proud but I am even prouder.  He is holding my hand, arm in arm, as the video footage rolls.

I am sick.  I am so sick I am not sure what is going on.  The only thing I can be sure of is the warmth of my father's hands before I am wheeled into surgery.  He tells me he loves me and even though I can't speak I am telling him I love him too.

I am a single Mom bringing my son home for the first time.  We were in the hospital for a week and we were both not completely well.  I unbuckle my son's carseat and as I start to step out of the car the hands that are offered to me are those same hands I have seen my whole life when I have stumbled.  Again, the video shows Dad making sure I am in step but now it is his with daughter and his grandson.

My son is 9 months old and toddling around.  Anytime I am at my parents house I can hear 2 claps and my son's name being called.  My Dad is getting my son to walk.  Pretty soon, those strong hands are holding my son's. 

I am in the foyer of the church.  I am nervous.  I am about to make one of the biggest commitments of my life.  I look down at my hands and the flowers that they hold and that's when I feel the large hand cupping mine.  I look up into the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.  I walk down the aisle with my Dad on my wedding day.

Living nearby, my sons get to see my Dad quite often.  There is nothing like those long walks with Papaw.  There can't possibly be happier moments for grandsons than this.  I watch as they walk off hand in hand into the horizon. 

I have a broken heart.  I think nothing will ever feel the same.  I can't eat or drink or sleep.  I am with my parents and my Dad holds me so tight I can't breathe but I don't even care.  I know I am safe then.  He holds my hands and I know I will be okay. 

Many happy years pass and we are thankful for them all. 

I hold those strong hands and they are now smooth, no longer worn with work and daily chores.  They are tender and somehow don't seem quite as big in my own as they once did.  He is tired.  He is weak.  He is sick.

I walk hand in hand with my Dad into the doctor's offices and then later just to get him to and from the bed.

Yesterday, I took my Dad for a walk in his wheelchair.  It was about 2 in the afternoon and as we walked I could see our shadows.  Father and daughter walking along the street. I stopped and took his hands as I faced him.  He smiled back.  He can barely speak but he squeezes my hand and pats me. 

Last night the ambulance came and took him to the hospital where he is today.  I held my Dad's hand as he cringed in pain.  These hands that have taken care of me my whole life now go limp with the effects of medication.  I still hold his hands.  His beautiful beautiful blue eyes are glazed over with pain and confusion.

I now realize that even my Dad needs bigger hands to hold his in a time of need.  There's nothing else I can do.  I have never felt so helpless.  I am putting my Dad into my heavenly father's hands. 

Please remember my Dad today....

Comments

[Susie]

This one leaves me nearly speechless. Thank you for reminding me how special and important my relationship with my own dad is. Your sweet father will be in my prayers.

[Keith]

Some very beautiful thoughts. I'll be remembering your father in prayer.

[Leesa]

What a beautiful story and beautiful relationship. You and your family are my prayers as well.

[Darcella]

My heart is broken for my special friend and her wonderful family. You and your father as always are in my prayers.

[Sally]

Oh, Chano, I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say but my thoughts are with you.

HUGS!

[Amanda]

Sending love your way and I will keep your dad in my thoughts and prayers.

[Laura]

*hugs and prayers* Thinking of you.

[sage]

That is beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. I think of holding my daughters hand, I hope she'll have such memories. You and your father and your whole family are in my prayers.

[Tawcan]

What a beautiful post. Thank you Chana for posting that to allow me to reflect on my own life with my family.

[Busy Mom]

Chana, I am so sorry. Thoughts and prayers coming your way as always.

[Joe Cool Cowboy Poet]

Incredible. What a testament to a daughter and father relationship. Your father is in my prayers.

[Patti Womack]

Chana, I am so, so sorry -- I remember your family often in prayer. If there is anything that I can do, please let me know. I saw Karen on Saturday night at the hospital with Charles Boone and she looked exhausted. I'm praying for you and all your family.

Much love, Patti

[Kila]

Never have I cried so hard! I love your family like my own! I hope everything is ok. I am here for you! You,your children, Marshall, Jeramy, Patricia, all of you are in my prayers...most of all your parents! xoxo

[susan&keith]

Hi Chana,
Here by way of Joe Cool. He sent his readers this way today. Thanks for sharing your thoughts today.I was very touched by your post. Being a daughter close to her own father, i could readily empathize with you. How wonderful that you have so many fond memories of your dad. Now the roles are reversed, you have the opportunity to give back some of what he always gave to you.
Both of you are in Gods hands, as are we all.

[Cori]

It's obvious from so many of your posts that you and your dad are incredibly close. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please draw comfort from the fact that so many of us are thinking of you.

[cher]

Chana
I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Cher

[Dawn]

You and I don't know each other and I came across your site through Blogazoo. However, I read this post with a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes. It's a womderful wonderful heartfelt post, and my thoughts are with you tonight.

[FTS]

You had me in tears, and that takes a lot. I can so relate to this. I lost my dad when I was twenty-one, so I didn't get the adult relationship that most men have with their dads.

I will lift your dad up in prayer.

I came here at Joe Cool's prompt. I see you're in Texas, too. I'll be back again. :)

[Vickie]

Dad's are so special as you know and reminded everyone. I have been where you are and not so long ago. Hold onto every minute you have with your dad right now Chana. These are the times you will always have with you once your dad is no longer with you.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers, if I can do anything I am here for you. Please let me know as I have been here. Dads are so special to daughters.
By the way I have a new location so later when you are ready please visit me at my new home as I am no longer posting at AlwaysVictoria and I don't want to lose contact with you.

[ellen]

Here via Cowboy Joe. What a poignant post. I am extending my hand and my heart to you and your dad in prayer.

[Busy Mom]

Just checking on you...

[Keith]

Hope that all is well and that your family has a wonderful holiday.

[FTS]

Hope things are well with you. Just stopping by to wish you a blessed and happy Thanksgiving. :)

[Vickie]

Chana- As there has been no update on your dad I wonder how things are, you and your family have remained in my thoughts and prayers. You especially are on this holiday but I wanted to take time to stop and let you know I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. If there is anything I can do, please just drop me a note. On this day, one of the things I am thankful for is you my blog friend.

[Kym]

Give us an update when you can. Thinking of you. ((hugs))