LOTS has happened since I have been active in the blogging world.
I got married in 2007 and we have since separated and are in the process of divorcing. While I am not about to go into all the tra-la-la's of all the why's and reasons, I can almost suffice to say I don't even understand all of it.
I can't try and divulge my side of the story or even try to just give straight facts. It would be ridiculous to think I could objectively explain anything about something that involves so many emotions and variables. I can't try and erase everything here and act like this past year and a half didn't happen. You can never erase your past. It is what it is.
We are both trying to make the best of an obviously difficult situation. Please pray for us and both of our families.
At what point in life does it become alright to become complacent?
Honestly? I am full of life, passion, energy, and emotions. Why is that wrong to want to maintain?
I know life is always throwing us curve balls but shouldn't we try to overcome them? Shouldn't we make the best of each and every situation and challenge that life brings us and strive to be everything that we want to be?
2. Not taking sportsbra for 4-wheeling adventures over rough terrain is NOT a great idea!
3. There's nothing better than sitting under a blanket of stars with NO clouds and no city lights - it almost feels like you can reach out and touch them.
4. Don't ever underestimate the independence of your children.
5. When driving home from camping, it is NOT a good idea to listen to the remainder of the Cowboy game and try to "FIX" your hubby's clock on the radio because you think it reads 6:00am when in REALITY, we are listening to the radio station 600 AM. Dohhh~!!!!
I always wish my Dad could be here with me now.I have wished it so bad, it physically hurts.I always wonder, what he would think about my life now. I went to a wedding recently and watched the Father-Daughter dance and about fell to pieces.My Dad didn’t get to do that for me.
(Insert fancy flashback intro)
I am in high school.I am in the drill team (like that is a big surprise) and we are having our end of the year ‘stage show’. Woohoo!
You know when you are in high school and you just can’t see life past graduation?Yeah, I was there.High school was big time and I had a big blonde helmet head….
Anyway, I was in a special group of girls that got to choreograph a dance on our own and we all chose to do one with our fathers.It was a fun upbeat dance with us in poodle skirts and our Dad’s in jeans and white t-shirts and penny loafers.All the Dads played a silly instrument and my Dad played the guitar.Yep!Front and center!We found him a small Mickey Mouse guitar to strum to the beat of the song – Bop With Ya Baby by Dan Seals.
The night of the dance, the audience ooo’ed and awww’ed and laughed and loved it!It was definitely a hit.There I was in my pink poodle skirt and saddle shoes skipping around and dancing with my Dad with a big plastic grin on my face so big that my lips were quivering and starting to hurt!You have to know that my Dad did NOT dance in public and he certainly didn’t SING.He was a bit of an introvert but there was in all his glory – just for me.
So, the dance is over and my senior year ends.I waltz into college and adult-hood, packing away the drill team uniforms and poodle skirts.My Dad approached me one day and asked what he was supposed to do with his Mickey Mouse guitar.I looked at him puzzled…He produced his guitar from the stage show and said he would keep it ‘safe’ in the event we needed it some day.
Rolling my eyes, I shook my head and went about my business.First of all, if I had children they were certainly going to be quiet shy little girls and not prone to rowdy guitar playing. What was he thinking?
About 6 months after my first son was born (wink, wink), my Dad pulled out the Mickey Mouse guitar with a big smile.I’m sure there is a picture somewhere of Shane and Papa with that plastic thing plucking away.As I stand swaying and rocking Shane to sleep later like only a Mom can do, I see the guitar mixed in with his toys and think about the dance.
Time has moved on, my 2 children (both BOYS) are about to turn 17and 13 this summer.My parents have moved twice since I was in high school and Dad has been gone now for 2 and half years.
Mom met me for lunch and as I turned to leave, she said she had something for me and we went to her car.She pulled out the Mickey Mouse guitar from the front seat and handed it to me.He kept it and moved it with him all that time!She said he kept it safe in the attic for me.
I went home and told my husband the story.His response was, “What are you supposed to do with that thing now...?”
As I sat there not knowing how to respond, I realized he just didn’t get it.
That guitar will be with me forever no matter what, but what a token and symbol!
I sometimes feel odd talking to people bout the grief of my Dad.You see, in my mind – people who don’t have a close relationship with their Dads don’t really know the pain of what it is to miss that intimacy.Yet, there is a different sort of torment and pain, the pain of not knowing and having that in a Dad at all?
I realize that no matter how much I miss my Dad, you can’t go back in time.You must go forward, and with that – he really is still here.His presence lingers if I pay close enough attention.I really didn’t need a plastic Mickey Mouse guitar to remind me, but it definitely helped and just in time for Father’s Day.
I can still hear his voice, see his smile, smell his everyday smell and feel his hands in mine.
Here’s to you Dad!
Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I the king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
I just found out that a border collie I used to have named Max, was put to sleep. I had given him to my sister a long time ago when my son was small. He was named after my ex-husband's video game character, Max Payne. His full name was Maximillion. He was SUCH a good dog.
I always thought he had doggie OCD or something because his full time round the clock job was to patrol the fence line back and forth RELENTLESSLY. This was to the point that no grass could grow in that area, EVER.... So, now I'm quite sure he is pacing the borders of doggie heaven. Rest in peace, Max.
The way I found out was not the best of ways.. I just found out and apparently he was put to sleep on May 10th?
This has not been the best week, not the worst but not the best. I keep reminding myself that life IS good. Isn't it?
I am working today, on your birthday. As I sit at my desk and watch the senior men here going about their daily life, I wonder WHY are they here? WHY aren't you? The truth is, I'll never know why.
I just got off the phone with Mom. She's doing okay today.
We both wish you were here with us but not selfish enough to want that at the cost of your pain and suffering.
I talked to Jennifer about making some type of strawberry dessert today. As I sat and wondered if I could get through a piece of strawberry shortcake, something amazing happened. A very special resident here (one of the ones that I sit and wonder "why?"), Billy, came into my office and brought me a fresh bowl of strawberries and some dipping sauce. He has NO idea!
I told him what today was and he pulled up a chair and we shared a very special bowl of strawberries in your honor.
If you were here today, you would have met my husband, seen my new house, know about my new job, seen Shane turn 16 and get his learners permit to drive and went with us to Aunt Edna's grand-daughter's wedding just in this last year.
As I sit thinking about you today and getting a more than a little misty-eyed, I find myself missing your blue eyes and ever present strong hands that were always there for me.
I am going to go home and hug my children as soon as I can. Maybe one day they will look back and remember my hugs too?